Disclaimer: Paramount
owns all rights to Star Trek Voyager, its characters, and theVoyager
episodes referred
to in this story.The story idea is mine, but I am doing this just
for fun, no money
to be made.
As he walked into Sandrine’s, Tom Paris said, "Computer, initiate
privacy lock."
"Privacy lock
engaged," the pleasant female voice stated.
Sandrine’s buzzed
with life.Gaunt Gary was in his normal spot by the pool table hustling
some poor
slob.As usual Sandrine was holding court at the bar. Noticing Tom’s
entrance, she broke into
a wide smile. Sandrine waved to him, but he ignored her.
How could he have thought this would be comforting?The steady buzz
of noise was grating
on his already taut nerves.Someone bumped into him muttering a barely
audible apology.His
whole body tensed at the character’s touch.There was too much noise
and too many
people.He clenched his hands, digging his nails into the flesh of
his palms.
"Computer,
delete holocharacters," he gritted out.The characters froze and
then disappeared.Tom
was alone.He breathed a sigh of relief and slowly unclenched his hands.
He made his way
over to the bar and took a seat but didn’t get himself a drink.Instead,
he found his
attention focused on a piece of the program he had again recently
added: the piano.He had deleted
the instrument at least a dozen times, but his obsession with authenticity
always convinced
him he should put the piano back into the program.Each time he added
the piano, he
told himself he
was just making the program authentic, but he didn’t believe the lie.He
knew part
of him kept the instrument around to remind him of his past failures.Tonight
it seemed even
more appropriate that it would be present, dredging up old memories.
He found himself
getting up from the bar and heading toward the piano.He ran his hands
fondly along
the instrument’s side.She was an old upright, exactly like the one
he had played years ago at
Sandrine’s.He’d had the chance to play on many a grand piano, but
nothing had sounded as sweet
or as melancholy as this old upright.He sat down on the bench and
found himself staring at
the keys.In all the years since he had created this program, he had
never been tempted to
actually play something
on the replicated piano.Tonight he found his fingers yearning to touch
the keys.It had
been years since he had played.Would he even remember?He knew he would;
it was
just like flying.He would never forget how.
He put his hands
into position, took a deep breath, and began to play.He didn’t consciously
think of what to
play.He just let the music come to him as he had always done in the
past.He found
himself playing a song he had written during his first year at the
Academy; Susie Crabtree
had broken up with him and the only solace he had found was in music.
His fingers moved effortlessly across the keys evoking a melancholy
and complicated melody.He
found himself drifting into the music which soothed him as if she
were a long lost
friend.He poured
out his pain into the melody, relieved to have found an outlet for
his anguish.As
Tom’s playing moved toward a haunting crescendo, his father’s voiced
crashed through
his head.
"Thomas!Starfleet officers don’t waste time on frivolous activities.You
are not a musician,
so don’t try to emulate one.You should be studying, not filling the
air with that awful noise."
He missed a key and the resulting discordant sound sent shivers through
him.He abruptly
stopped playing.He covered his face with his hands as his father’s
cold and angry voice
reverberated inside his head.
"I cannot even begin to tell you how disappointed I am in you.You
were raised better.From
this day on, you are no longer my son."
Tom’s breathing started to come in gasps as his father’s voice was
replaced with Chakotay’s."I
don’t think I have to tell you, I’m disappointed.I trusted you.My
mistake.You betrayed
me before, so it shouldn’t surprise me that you would do it again."
He stumbled off of the piano bench and over to the bar.He went behind
looking for
the bottle of whiskey that was real and not synthehol.He found it
and with shaky hands poured
himself a glass.He stared at the drink for a long time before lifting
it to his lips.He meant
to down the whole shot, but found himself only taking a tentative
sip.The sip stuck in his throat
and he had to force it down, gagging.He put the glass on the bar,
laughing bitterly.He had
done such a good
job of weaning himself off of alcohol that even now when he desperately
wanted to use it
as an escape, he couldn’t bring himself to drink.
What was he to do now?Tom could only remember two things that had
ever helped
ease such an agonizing pain: playing the piano and drinking. When
Captain Janeway had granted
him a commission, he had sworn off both, and now he found he could
no longer find comfort
in either.He had thought that if in addition to regaining his commission,
he also swore off
alcohol and music, he would be able to gain back his father’s respect.He
would no longer be
such a disappointment.Now, he wondered if he had hoped to accomplish
the impossible.He had
just added to the list of people he had disappointed.
His chest throbbed in agony.He wanted the pain gone.He wanted to forget
all about
Chakotay, but he never would, never could.He picked up the drink and
hurled it.The liquid
spilled out, splashing the bar and the floor before the glass hit
the ground and shattered.With
a sob, Tom sat on the floor.
From the moment Chakotay had kissed him his world had been turned
upside down.At
first he had been so incredibly happy.He had never felt so intensely
about anyone.
Chakotay loved
him.It was too good to be true.The moment he had that thought was
when everything
started to spiral downwards.Chakotay wanted to know about every aspect
of Tom.Sometimes
when he met Chakotay’s eyes, Tom felt that the man was looking into
his soul.It
scared him.What if Chakotay didn’t like the Tom Paris buried behind
so many walls?It would
then have been too good to be true.
He started to feel caged.He put Chakotay off with sarcastic remarks
and found excuses
why he couldn’t meet him at the times they had arranged. Chakotay
began to get jealous.He
constantly wanted to know what Tom was doing in his spare time.Tom
only gave him
evasive answers.
The crew noticed that Tom was no longer appearing in Sandrine’s or
any other public
programs.However, Chakotay was still showing up, without him. Gossip
quickly began to circulate
that Tom was having an affair.If Chakotay had bothered to check, he
would have found that
each time Tom broke one of their dates, he could be located in his
quarters, alone.Frustrated
and hurt by Tom’s constant evasiveness, Chakotay never bothered to
check on
the veracity of
the rumor.Instead, he accused Tom of cheating on him.
Tom brought his head down to his knees, feeling again the hurt that
accusation had
caused.He could never have done such a thing to Chakotay.He was incapable
of such a betrayal.Besides,
he could think of no one who could hold a candle to Chakotay; there
was no one
else for Tom.When he opened his mouth to respond to the accusation,
instead of denying it,
he had found himself saying with a smirk, "I don’t recall you
calling this an exclusive relationship."
The smirk stayed on his face even as he had watched with horror as
Chakotay paled
in anger.He could tell the man wanted to hit him, but Chakotay had
remained in control saying
instead the words Tom would never be able to get out of his mind.
"I don’t think I have to tell you, I’m disappointed.I trusted
you.My mistake.You betrayed
me before, so it shouldn’t surprise me that you would do it again."
He began to cry deep, wrenching sobs that tore at his throat and sapped
his breath.Why
hadn’t he told Chakotay that he didn’t mean it?He had just let Chakotay
walk away.His
heart had started to shatter, but he never said a word to halt its
destruction.Once again,
he had ruined his life.
As he rocked back and forth sobbing, he told himself losing Chakotay
had been inevitable.He
had just hastened what would have happened anyway.Still, he yearned
to feel Chakotay’s
arms around him.He wished just one more time he could wake up next
to him and watch
him as he slept.It had been such a brief period of happiness, but
those weeks before he had
started to sabotage the relationship had been the best of his life.He
yearned for what he
had pushed away,
but he had no idea how to recapture what had been lost. He never knew
how to
hold on to happiness.
In the silence of Sandrine’s, Tom Paris let the anguish overwhelm
him knowing that this time, for this
pain, there was
no comfort to be found.
TBC