ANGEL By Morticia 30/? ST: Voyager C/P Rating. SLASH, m/m NC-17 Archive: Anywhere, just let me know, please Disclaimer: Tom, Chak et al are Paramount's (lucky devils) Angel is mine (yippee!)     Part 30   TUVOK Naturally I was interested to see Chakotay leave the Captain's ready room in an obvious state of emotional distress and then concerned when my security console indicated that he had transported off the ship. Therefore, when the Captain emerged and stated that Voyager should lift off immediately, I had no choice but to challenge her orders. Had I still been acting only in my position as Chief of Security, I would simply have advised her that Commander Chakotay was not on board and might have accepted her explanation without question. But as her husband, with the benefit of my tenuous mind-link, I was aware that Kathryn was in a highly emotional state and I doubted that her order to leave was entirely based on logic. I had been aware of Kathryn's somewhat disturbed mental state for some weeks but since she had avoided all physical contact with me, I did not have sufficient facts to deduce the reason why. It was evident to me that Chakotay and the Captain had disagreed about something, and given the Commander's subsequent actions, it was logical to assume that the disagreement was due to Tom's decision to stay behind. Kathryn had advised me privately of Tom's choice that morning. I had been somewhat mystified by his decision. I could only see one logical reason for him refusing to accompany us and that was if he was emotionally too damaged by his recent parting with Chakotay to be able to cope with resuming our journey to the Alpha Quadrant. Because of my mind meld with him after the accident, I had no doubt at all of the intensity of Tom's love for Chakotay. Although I did not suffer from the emotional excesses of humans I was able to accurately interpret them. The Commander's self-imposed exile in his quarters for the last two weeks left me with the conclusion that his love for Tom was equally real. It was therefore completely illogical that they had decided to separate. There was obviously a factor in the equation that I was unaware of. As Kathryn gave the order to leave V'rakn, the pieces of the puzzle suddenly fitted together perfectly and I knew that, in some as yet unclear way, my wife held the clue to the mystery. "I would like to speak with you privately before we leave V'rakn, Captain." I said firmly and was interested to note a flicker of fear in Kathryn's eyes before her face set in her familiar firm haughty mask of command. "We can speak after the liftoff, Mr. Tuvok" she snapped angrily "We have wasted enough time here already!" "I'm sorry, Captain, but the matter I wish to discuss with you cannot wait. We can discuss it here on the Bridge if you would prefer." I warned emotionlessly and saw it again, that darting of her eyes like a trapped animal. My suspicions solidified and I struggled briefly against a surprising stab of anger before my iron self-control slammed a door on the unwelcome emotion. It is possible that Kathryn saw my momentary loss of composure because she sagged slightly in her chair and a look of guilty resignation flashed briefly across her proud face. "Very well. All hands stand down take-off. Mr. Kim you have the bridge" She sighed and then silently led me back to her ready room. The doors closed behind us, but she did not turn to look at me. Her back was rigid, her shoulders stiff, her whole frame trembling slightly as though expecting a blow. I stated the obvious "The Commander is still on the surface." "I know." Was her tense reply "Then why are you preparing to leave him behind?" "How do you know he isn't planning on transporting up to us once we are in orbit?" She challenged, still refusing to face me "Is he?" "No, Chakotay will not be returning to Voyager." She admitted. "I would like to know why you are prepared to leave two members of your crew on an alien planet in the Delta Quadrant" "It's their choice. That's the end of the matter." I knew that she would not voluntarily tell me anymore. It is anathema to a Vulcan to invade an unwilling mind, but this was my wife and that gave me certain liberties so I stepped forward and touched her shoulder lightly. Her thoughts, her memories, and her guilt assailed me. I recoiled; releasing her as though burnt by the flood of emotion that engulfed me. Aware of my horror, she spun around desperately to touch me but I stepped back swiftly out of reach. It was intolerable that I should be subjected again to such naked, ugly emotion. "Your behavior in this matter has been reprehensible, Kathryn" I said, "Your intention to abandon the Commander and flee the scene of your crime surprises me even more than the act itself." "Crime?" Kathryn screeched in outrage "You don't understand Tuvok. Chakotay is being a fool. Tom will destroy him. I had to stop them from getting back together." "You tried, you failed. Why are you leaving them behind?" "I can't face him." She sobbed, "I can't face them being together! If Chakotay is stupid enough, if they want each other so damned much, they can have each other, but I won't have them parading themselves in front of me! I can't just stand by and watch Tom destroy him" "What gives you the right to interfere? What omniscient powers have you gained that give you such a clear picture of Tom's motivations in this relationship? You know NOTHING." "I KNOW Tom doesn't love Chakotay." Kathryn screamed "Peculiar, I KNOW that he does" I replied and reaching forwards I grasped her wrist and held her tightly as I sent her my intimate knowledge of the truth of Tom Paris's heart. Perhaps I should not have done it. Tom's thoughts had been given to me in trust. By sharing them I was breaking a sacred oath. But the most important thing at that moment was for Kathryn to realise the enormity of her crime against him. She staggered as the images hit her, as the reality of Tom's feelings for Chakotay were stamped irrefutably into her consciousness. As I released her she staggered back and collapsed heavily into a chair. "Oh my God, Tuvok. I was so wrong.so very wrong. " She gasped, her eyes wide with horror. "Yes, Kathryn. You were." I said coldly "What have I done?" She cried piteously "What can I do to put things right?" "I suggest you do nothing. Your interference has already caused them enough pain. Do not compound your mistake. Let them resolve their problems alone if it is not too late. Do not ask or expect Chakotay's forgiveness. He is unlikely to be able to give it." "What about you, Tuvok? You must know I meant well. You know that I only wanted to help Chakotay. Can YOU forgive me?" she begged me desperately, tears pouring down her pale cheeks. "My forgiveness is irrelevant, Kathryn. You have not harmed ME in this matter." "Then you are not angry with me?" she pleaded hopefully "I am a Vulcan. I do not feel anger. I am not jealous of your feelings for the Commander and since he has not reciprocated your emotion there is no reason for me to challenge him in this matter." "Then you won't leave me?" She gasped with relief. "You misunderstand me Kathryn. The vows you made to me were obviously false. You were not truthful when you said that your feelings for Chakotay were platonic. It is not possible for me to continue our relationship. When The Commander and, hopefully, Tom have returned and Voyager is under way, I will move my belongings out of our quarters, Kathryn. Our marriage is over."   CHAKOTAY I cursed Kathryn to the seven hells as I fought desperately through the almost impenetrable walls of the V'rakn'hal bureaucracy. It took several hours to even find out where Tom was staying and then I was still prevented from entering the building by some smug son-of- a-bitch officials. By which time I was ready to rip the uncooperative purple-faced aliens apart. Fully satisfied by the `deal' they had made the previously helpful V `rakn' hal obviously had no intention of letting me blithely walk off with their new acquisition. Well, tough. Their `acquisition' was my fiancé and I was not leaving without him. I planted myself firmly in the doorway of Tom's new `home' until one of the V'rakn'hal finally agreed to tell Tom that I was here. He returned with indecent haste and informed me gleefully that Tom had refused to see me. The little bastard smirked at me until I picked him up by the throat and shook him into submission. "I am not leaving unless I see him, and if I have to take apart every room, and every PERSON in this building to find him, I will. DO YOU UNDERSTAND!" The small alien quaked in terror. "I will take you to him, but then you will know he does not want to leave and you must go away." "Okay." I replied calmly and set him down. There was nothing to be gained at this point by my admitting that Tom was going to come back with me to Voyager even if I had to carry him kicking and screaming all the way.   TOM   The V'rakn'hal had lied. The thought popped into my head but it was nebulous and I wondered vaguely what it was they had lied about. It was so much effort to catch my stray thoughts that I preferred to let them waft around my head. I rocked slowly on my seat, my fingers playing endlessly with a small heavy object. What was it? I wondered vacantly. Oh yes. I looked down at the gold shape in my hands and a wave of misery began to cloud my head so I shut my eyes and wished it away and it was gone. Still my fingers fiddled with the ring. Ring? Oh God! No! I didn't want to think about that. Didn't want to remember about - about what? I stopped in confusion as the tail end of the thought span away into the distance. Lied? What was the lie? Don't know. Don't remember. Don't want to remember. I wanted to - what did I want? Just rock, that's it, that's nice.that's good.just let those thoughts go away, like everything goes away, like Chak.No, no, rock, that's it, that's better. I let the fog swirl around my head. It felt so nice just to drift. Not to think. Think. Think about what? The lie. I suddenly remembered the lie. They said that if my mind did not survive the cure I would not have to live with a healthy body and a dead brain. But I was dead. My body could move but I was gone. Whatever had existed before was no longer alive, didn't want to be alive. I was just an empty shell with no hope, no feelings, no anything. I walked and talked and breathed but that was all. Desperately I pushed the thought away, felt the fog blurring its edges and dissolving it until I was disconnected again. Just rock. Rock. That's it. That's nice. That's better. A face appeared in front of me. Purple face. Who? Don't know. Don't care. The face spoke. "Chakotay is here to see you." "Who?" I asked vaguely, my cotton-wool brain struggling with the name. A picture flashed in my brain but the resultant hurt was so intense that I clamped down on the memory and it faded back into the distance and I floated again in my serene state of hazy contentment. "Shall I tell him to go away?" the voice persisted "Who? What? Oh.yes.go away" Go away, who was going away? Away. Voyager was going away. PAIN. No, go away. Just rock, rock, and rock.   CHAKOTAY   I followed the V'rakn'hal's slow meandering footsteps, struggling with the urge to shove him bodily forwards. When the reluctant official reached what was obviously Tom's room, my patience finally snapped and I pushed him out of my way and burst through the door. Tom was sitting on the far side of the room; his body swathed in a loose white gown. His hair was uncombed. He looked all of 12 years old. "Tom" I cried as I rushed forwards but he did not react at all. He was swaying slowly in his chair, his blue eyes unfocused, and his mouth moving with some silent internal dialogue. Furiously I turned on the alien. "What have you done to him? What drug have you given him?" "Drug? Drug?" The V'rakn'hal stammered fearfully "No drug. I swear. He has been like this for hours. Since your Captain left him this morning. We have done nothing. It is shock, perhaps." I turned back to Tom in confusion. Still he rocked quietly, his face serene, his fingers playing endlessly with some small gold object. Spirits, I thought, Tom's mind had finally snapped. It had all been too much for him to deal with. I had left him and he had literally gone mad. I dropped to my knees in front of him and grabbed his restless hands in mine, registering the icy coldness of his skin. "He's freezing, fetch a blanket" I shouted at the V'rakn'hal and turned back to Tom without waiting to find out whether the alien would comply. "Tom, Tom, it's me, it's Chakotay. I'm here. I've come to take you home." Still Tom's blue eyes stared into some unfathomable distance, and his face failed to register my words. The V'rakn'hal hurried over and draped a blanket around Tom's thin shoulders and then backed off nervously. "TOM" I screamed in panic, and I saw a tiny flicker in one of his eyes before he started to rock again. Insane with terror, I slapped Tom so hard across his face that my hand left a deep impression in his skin. His eyes blinked and widened as he focused on me for a second, then terror flooded his face and he began to struggle wildly. "Nonononononononononononononononono" he moaned "Tom, I'm so sorry Tom, I love you. I've come to take you home" I repeated desperately "NO" he howled and yanking his hands out of my loose grip he shot to his feet and tried to run from me. Blinded by panic he crashed into the wall and slid down into a heap on the floor. He made no effort to get up again; he just curled into a ball of misery and sobbed. Almost blinded by my own tears I rushed to his side and pulled his unresisting body into my arms. "Go `way, go `way" He sobbed even as he tucked his face into my neck and clung on to me desperately. "Tom, I love you. I'm sorry. Come home with me." I begged "You left me" he whispered and although his words ripped at my heart I was elated at his ability to say them. I wasn't too late. I had arrived in time. Tom was still capable of rational thought. "I know Tom. It was my fault, I misunderstood. I thought you didn't need me anymore. I thought now you were cured you wouldn't want to be with me." "You left me." He repeated brokenly. "But I came back." Tom struggled in my arms until he could pull back and look into my face. His eyes were dark with misery but at least he was actually looking at me, really seeing me. His face was defenseless; all his protective masks had been stripped away. I saw hurt and anger chasing confusion and misery across his pallid features. For a long time his mouth struggled with the effort to form a coherent sentence. When he finally spoke his bitter words broke my heart "How long for, this time, Chakotay?" I dropped my head in shame. He was right. How many promises had I broken already? What could I possibly say to make him believe me now? "I'm a fool, Tom and I don't deserve you. I have thrown away our happiness so many times that I know you have every right to reject me. There is nothing I can do if you don't love me anymore. But I know it's not true. I saw how you were when I came in here. I KNOW that you still love me and although I don't understand why, I'm not throwing it away again!" I stared deeply into his eyes, trying to force him to believe my words. In response he simply looked away. "Come back to Voyager with me, Tom. Come home and marry me." I pleaded, new tears pouring down my face. "No" he whispered "Go away, Chakotay. Please, just go away." I jerked as though slapped by his words. I couldn't believe he had said no. I had seen the state he was in because I had left. I couldn't believe he would let me go again. Furiously I shook him by the shoulders, so hard that his teeth rattled. "I'm not leaving you, Tom. You're coming back with me." I shouted and he flinched at my anger. "No." he mumbled "I don't love you." "I don't believe you." I snapped and grabbing the back of his head I pulled his face towards me and dove for his mouth. My tongue met scant resistance as it plunged in and pillaged. With my other hand I pulled Tom into my embrace, crushing him against my body. As he moaned into my kiss, I felt his obvious erection pressing into my thigh. He struggled futilely against his own body's betrayal but I would not release my grip and I felt his tongue thrust past mine and his sweet taste filled my mouth. How the hell had I thought I could live without this? I asked myself as I caressed the tense muscles of his back. Finally, gasping for breath I pulled back and stared into Tom's face, which was red with a combination of desire and fury. "Come home, Tom" I whispered gently For a moment longing hovered nakedly on his face, then fear and hurt returned "No" he spat. That was it. I'd had enough. I wasn't angry with Tom. He had every reason to say no. Despite his undeniable love for me, in spite of his body's desire for me, he had lost the ability to trust me. He was too raw, too damaged. If I spent the rest of my life pleading and begging with him on this floor he would not agree to return with me. Decision made, I stood up. Tom's naked face flashed with relief, pain and disappointment. "So you won't agree to come back to Voyager?" I asked, to clarify the situation. "No" Tom mumbled "And you want to stay here, alone." "Yes" he whispered, even more quietly "And there's nothing I can say that will make you come back with me?" This time I could barely hear Tom's "No" "Then you leave me no choice." I snapped I hauled Tom to his feet in a sudden movement that caught him so much by surprise that it took little extra effort to grab him round the waist and throw him over my shoulder. He began to struggle and kick so I gave him a firm slap on the backside. The shock made him forget to struggle long enough for me to tell the amazed V'rakn'hal that I would arrange for compensation, then I opened my com badge and requested Voyager to beam us up. I was a little surprised to hear Tuvok's voice respond to my hail, and even more amazed when we materialized straight into my quarters although, given Tom's undignified position slung over my shoulder, it was probably just as well. I staggered into the bedroom, realising that Tom was definitely putting on some much needed weight, and dumped him unceremoniously onto my newly restored double-bed. Tom hit the covers and came up spluttering indignation "You have no right." he began to scream "I have every right, Tom. I love you." I replied firmly and pushed him back onto the bed, my weight pinning him down quite effectively. For a couple more moments he struggled and then collapsed back in submission. I lay on top of him, heaving for breath. His dull eyes looked at me for a long time, weighing the situation, evaluating my actions and then something sparkled in the blue depths. "Chakotay the Caveman" he muttered and a reluctant smile cracked his face. TBC