ANGEL By Morticia 31/? ST: Voyager C/P Rating. SLASH, m/m NC-17 Archive: Anywhere, just let me know, please Disclaimer: Tom, Chak et al are Paramount's (lucky devils) Angel is mine (yippee!)     Part 31   CHAKOTAY   I had spent far too long deluding myself about Tom and what he meant to me. I realised that it was time for me to face my feelings and deal with the consequences of my previous actions. I was under no illusion that I could just wave a magic wand and make things instantly right again between us. I had been stunned by the state Tom had been in when I found him. I had never seen anyone look so lost and abandoned despite my experiences in the wake of the Cardassian occupation. The nearest comparison my memory could make of the expression on his face had been that of an orphaned child I had once dug out from under the scattered bodies of her family. The dull stare of that little girl had been chillingly like Tom's eyes now. I didn't let his caveman comment and reluctant smile fool me. It had always been Tom's nature to crack a joke when other people would stay silent. It was his escape valve for unbearable pressure. It would take more than words to convince him that I meant what I said. I was positive I had done the right thing in kidnapping him in such a fashion. The very rashness of the act and my total disregard for his refusal had surely been more convincing than any argument.  The Chakotay of yesterday would have walked away now; left him to get some rest and think things through, but the man I had become today knew that leaving Tom alone would be the worst thing that I could possibly do. The old Chakotay would have seen my next act as a virtual rape, given Tom's obvious refusal. I had never had anything but contempt for anyone who didn't understand that "NO" meant "NO" without any exception. But at this moment, I knew that the only way to reaffirm my love for Tom was to show that I found him completely irresistible. So I pressed down on him, rubbing my body against the lean length of his trembling form, forcing my mouth back onto his to silence his protest. He struggled furiously under me, pushing at my shoulders against the weight that pinned him so effectively. I gently grabbed his wrists and pushed them down behind his head. Using my left hand to trap them there, still using my tongue to silence his complaints, I used my other hand to slowly pull up Tom's robe until my hand reached the soft down of his public hair and then I fondled and stroked his balls lovingly. Tom's cock instantly reared to attention and pressed into my stomach, but I ignored it for the moment and continued to caress between his thighs, remembering how sensitive he was there. I played with his beautifully responsive body until I could feel him jerking under me with his involuntary arousal and then I pulled out of the kiss and looked down at his flushed face. "Get off me, you bastard" he hissed, his eyes wide with panic at his body's own betrayal, "Let me go!" I leant down and kissed his nose, gently scraping a nail up the root of his cock. Tom's whole body arched under me and he gasped with reaction and then furiously bit me on the chin hard enough to draw blood. For a moment the pain made me rear my head back in angry shock. Then I saw that Tom's eyes were huge with fear. He licked nervously at the stain on his lips. So I merely shook my head sadly at him as I told him softly "That hurt, Tom." "Tough Shit" he spat defiantly He struggled ineffectually to escape. His chest was now heaving in panic, as he understood how vulnerable he was to whatever punishment I would give him for the bite. So I punished him thoroughly. Ducking my head below his dangerous mouth I nuzzled at his neck, sucking and licking into the skin under his chin. Nipping softly at his collarbones until he was shuddering with pleasure. "D-Don't Chak" he gasped between his moans, " I t-told you. I d-don't l-love you" Ignoring him I ran a tongue lazily around his nipples and was pleased to see the pink nubs sprang to vibrant attention. As my right hand fondled his straining groin, I was aware that my right arm was now at full stretch to keep his wrists above his head and I was vulnerable to his teeth. I doubted that he still wanted to bite me, but decided not to take the chance. So I let go of his wrists and quickly slid myself further down his body before he even realised I had let him go. Pushing his legs apart until there was room, I knelt between his knees so that my head was level with his erect cock and without hesitation I swallowed it whole. Tom went rigid. So did I.  I half-expected his released fists to strike my head and I didn't want to take the risk of inadvertently biting him if he hit me too hard. Then his body arched again, sending him deeper into my throat so I relaxed and began to slide gently up and down the thick shaft, tasting the saltiness of his skin. "Ohhhhhhh" Tom groaned insensibly as I pulled back and flicked my tongue over the head of his cock, teasing it deep into the weeping slit. "Tell me you don't want this and I'll stop" I lied and ran my tongue over the slit again for emphasis. Tom shuddered and raised his legs until his feet were by my shoulders and he pushed his hips up off the bed. I took the opportunity to slide my hands under his firm buttocks and began to knead them gently as I began to siphon at his cock. Extremely carefully, my right index finger crept into the crack between his butt-cheeks, delving into the tight puckered skin of his ass. Gently, I pushed my finger against the tight resistant muscles but could get no further against his clenched ass without risking damage. Tom was so near climax by then that he screamed in outrage as I released his cock and dove further under his balls, pushing his buttocks up until I found the reluctant hole and I pushed my tongue forcefully where my finger had been refused entry. Tom spasmed against the sensation, his body now arched between his shoulders and feet. I was suddenly aware of the unnatural curve of his spine. His position was probably too much pressure for his newly healed body. I pulled back to look at Tom's face.  All doubt and denial had been wiped out by desperate desire. His cheeks were flushed, his eyes glittering, his breath coming in tortured gasps. "Turn over" I suggested softly. It took a second for my words to register then, as sanity returned to him, I saw a flicker of uncertainty. "Let me love you, Tom" I whispered, "let me fuck you properly" Like it was a secret code, the word `fuck' ignited Tom like torch- paper and he scrambled around onto his hands and knees so enthusiastically that he kicked me in the thigh. Another couple of inches and I would have been incapable of fucking anybody. My pain was forgotten as I saw his trembling butt thrust into my face.  Like a starving man at a feast I nosed back to his entrance and grasping his hips firmly I began to fuck him furiously with my tongue. Tom was shivering and bucking under me, his breath coming in loud panting sobs. My hands slid wildly on his slick, perspiration covered skin. I was so hard by then that it was painful. I cursed my lack of foresight as I realised that the lube was in the bathroom cabinet. I scooted off the bed and leapt for the bathroom and swiping the tube, I ripped it open and was already applying a huge handful onto my straining cock before I was back on the bed. Tom hadn't moved, He was still on his hands and knees, his head hanging dejectedly between his arms, his whole body trembling, his breath coming in huge sobs. I realised that I hadn't even told him where I was going or why. "Are you okay, babe?" I asked guiltily "Just fucking do it, will you?" He snarled back "Stop pissing about, Chak." I grinned at his anger. This was the Tom I knew, the Tom I loved. If I refused to go through with it now, he would probably rip me apart. Need simply radiated off him in waves. I positioned my eager cock and then began to slide slowly into his hot tight depths.  I had always enjoyed this act with Tom, but when he was disabled his muscles had been lax and unresponsive. The act had been wonderful and loving but this new sensation of tight resistance on my cock was unbelievable. "Oh Spirits, Tom, you feel so good" I gasped as I filled him. His only response was a surprised gasp and a definitely uncomfortable moan as I stretched him apart. "You okay, babe?" I asked again "Yeah, sure, except someone has just parked a shuttle in my ass." Tom gasped "You been taking some kind of growth hormone or something?" His tone was light but I was concerned at his obvious pain. I had forgotten that to all intents and purposes, Tom was a virgin again. I should have taken the time to stretch him properly. Nobly, considering my overwhelming urge to pound into him, I said "Do you want me to stop, Tom?" "NO I FUCKING DON'T, YOU BASTARD!" Tom screamed in outrage "If you don't fuck me now, I swear I'll .." I didn't wait to find out. Carefully I began to slide up and down his tight passage, feeling his muscles contracting against my slick cock. Tom's arms gave way at the sensation and his head crashed down to the bed. The consequent new angle of his butt let me slide even deeper and my strokes became faster and harder. "Oh yeah, yeah, oh wow, ohhhhh" Tom gasped into the bedcover. I reached under his hips and found his hungry cock. I began to pump it furiously in time to my strokes and with a scream Tom erupted a huge fountain of cum. I felt Tom's internal muscles rippling against my own cock and then his buttocks clenched and my own orgasm was inevitable. I filled him with my seed, pumping furiously. I couldn't believe that my own ball- sac could hold so much.  By the time I collapsed against him I felt as though half my body had been pumped into Tom's ass. Exhausted I collapsed sideways onto the bed, pulling Tom into my embrace and we lay there, gasping together, as my softened member began to shrink and slide out of him. Tom moaned as I left his body, so I pulled him tighter into my arms, feeling his back relax into my chest. I was oddly pleased at the sticky sensation as my copious amounts of semen tricked back out of his ass onto my groin as though trying to find their way home. I chewed lovingly at the sweaty tendrils at his neck, pleased that he had not trimmed his hair since his recovery. Dark and wet with sweat, it curled down past his shoulders now. "I love you, Tom" I whispered and felt him stiffen at my words. Concerned I rolled him over until he faced me.  His eyes were no longer dull; they were satiated and almost serene. But not happy. "I DO love you, Tom Paris!" I stated firmly Tom met my eyes sadly, his face full of hurt and resignation "I know, Chakotay. But." "But what?" "But it's just for now, isn't it?" he said softly, his voice devoid of any bitterness. "Until the next time you leave me." It was the resignation in his voice that hurt the most. He honestly believed it was true. He truly expected this to be another temporary truce before I walked out on him again. "When you left me in the hospital, I wanted to die. Really die. I couldn't bear to see you again, knowing you didn't want me. That's why I asked the Captain to leave me behind." "She had no right to leave you there" I snarled "No, Chakotay, you're wrong. It's what I wanted. It was my only chance of surviving." "You weren't surviving too well from what I saw" I snapped and Tom flushed with embarrassment "I would have coped. I would have gotten over you eventually. There was no MORE pain to deal with.  It would have been better than being here with you and always waiting for the other shoe to drop." "I've changed, Tom" I swore fervently "People never change. They sometimes want to. They try to. But people never really change. When things have gone wrong between us you've always walked away. Things will go wrong again. They always do, no matter how hard I try things always get fucked up. Then you'll leave me again." I knew that there was no point in denying it. Tom wouldn't believe me. We would just have to take the relationship day by day and eventually, when enough time had passed, when I had stuck with him through enough `bad times' he would begin to trust me again. "What do you want to do then, Tom? Do you want your own quarters again?" Tom looked at me fearfully, and I cursed myself for my unthinking words "It's your choice, Tom, but I very much would prefer you to stay here, in OUR quarters" I clarified The worried look on Tom's face faded "I want to stay with you." He whispered and I could hear his unspoken "until you don't want me anymore" "Good, since we would be a strange married couple if we had two sets of quarters" I stated firmly Tom looked startled for a moment and then he nodded "Oh yeah, the wedding" he mumbled in confusion "It's two weeks today, Tom. Then we'll be together forever.  I have many faults, Tom, but you know me well enough to know that once I have taken those vows with you, nothing other than death will let me leave you, even if I want to!" "You really mean that, don't you?" Tom asked in wonder, a faint glimmer of hope sparkling in the depths of his blue eyes. "Marriage is sacred to me, Tom. Trust me on this, even if you can't trust me on anything else. Once we are married it will be forever. There will be no way for either of us to walk away." "You really WILL marry me?" Tom begged shamelessly, tears beginning to trickle down his cheeks. "Nothing can stop me, Tom. Two weeks from tonight you will be my husband and we will spend the rest of our lives together." Tom snuggled into my chest, his body shaking with tears of relief. "Then you WON'T ever leave me again!" he conceded and hugged me fiercely. I wondered whether Tom would ever truly regain his confidence. His terrible experiences after the accident had striped him of all his defenses. How had I imagined he wouldn't need me? His body might have been cured but the helplessness and insecurity of that long year of misery had left an indelible blow to his ego. He had learnt to depend on me utterly and it would be a long time before he would get over that dependency, if ever. I had faced a few demons of my own recently. I had always maintained that I wanted a relationship of equals but recently I had come to understand that it wasn't really true.  There was a fierce need in me to be the dominant, caring, protector in a relationship. Quite simply I needed to be needed. Yet, even while I was pleased that Tom still wanted and needed me on those terms, I mourned for the irrepressible spirit that had attracted me to him in the first place. "Chak?" "Yes, Babe?" "Do you remember when you proposed to me?" "Of course I do. Why?" "Do you remember that you said that when you were married you would expect to fuck me for at least two hours, twice a day?" Tom quoted "Um, yes. Why?" Tom's face split in a huge grin "Then I think we should practice some more!" He sniggered and rubbed against me suggestively. I felt his hard cock poke into my stomach and groaned. "I'm too old for this!" I sighed, even as I felt a responding twitch in my own groin. Deciding to wipe the smirk off his face in the most pleasurable way I began to `punish' him some more. Perhaps the irrepressible Tom is going to resurface after all, I thought, and the thought was a good one. TBC