ANGEL By Morticia 35/? ST: Voyager C/P Rating. SLASH, m/m NC-17 Archive: Anywhere, just let me know, please Disclaimer: Tom, Chak et al are Paramount's (lucky devils) Angel is mine (yippee!)     Part 35   KATHRYN When I entered sickbay and saw the ruin that had been Tom Paris, I was assaulted by a vivid flashback to the day of his original accident. His corpse was as white as alabaster under a violent film of blood. His head was just a wound of slashed skin. He had been completely scalped. He was dead. Tom was dead. My young vibrant pilot, who had suffered so much, survived so much, had died just weeks from our return to the Alpha Quadrant. He would never get the chance to return in glory, his past forgiven. He would never get the chance to go home and restore his relationship with his father. He was dead, finally broken beyond any ability to repair, and Chakotay and I were to blame. I felt my knees give way as guilt and sorrow overwhelmed me and I sank to the floor of Sickbay, wailing in horror.     ANGEL Grabbing a blanket from his bed, I wrapped Chakotay carefully and hoisted him effortlessly in my arms. He moaned and stirred a little and I froze in terror that he would wake but then his breathing slowed again and he lapsed back into unconsciousness. I realised that I only had a short time to implement my plan. I didn't dare sedate him in case it harmed him. I had very little medical knowledge, since my own people were so rarely ill, but I was fairly sure that sedatives and concussion were a bad combination. Swiftly I rushed to the door with my precious burden, only to find that it refused to open. I stepped back and then forward again to trigger the mechanism. Still the door would not comply. Furiously I realised in amazement that someone had locked the bloody door. Swallowing my howl of outrage, in fear of waking my beloved, I ran back to the bedroom and deposited Chakotay carefully on the bed. Then I rushed back to the door and pried at it with frantic fingers but even with all of my superhuman strength I couldn't get it to open. I battered in furious panic at the resisting metal but to no avail. The more I panicked, the weaker I became. Fear was draining all my ability to struggle. So, forced to stop my assault, I trembled in indecision. Then inspiration hit me. Transporters. Of course, I could tap into Voyager's transporters and beam us into my ship. I rushed to Chakotay's terminal and tapped into the control pad. It stayed black and unresponsive. The damned thing was off line. I tried the comm. unit but it had also been deactivated. Bastards. Guiltily, I wondered whether they had guessed my plan. Then I realised that it was more likely that they were protecting Chakotay from the knowledge of Tom's evident suicide bid. This was probably just their way of ensuring that Chakotay couldn't rush to Tom's side. I sank down on my haunches in despair and cried.   KATHRYN I was forcibly shaken out of my misery by the Doctor's bewildered cry of "Captain? Are you alright?" I looked up at him, his face blurred with my tears. "How did he do it?" I asked, not really caring what the answer was. After all, What did it matter now? "He cut one of his wrists, Captain. For some reason he was in the guest quarters and he found an old style razor in the bathroom cabinet." Miserably I remembered that Voyager's guest quarters stocked all manner of strange obsolete implements to pander to a visitor's whims. I could vaguely picture a razor being a thin sharp blade to shave body hair. It seemed impossible that Tom could have used such an innocuous item to kill himself. "If he hadn't been found, his suicide attempt would have definitely been successful." The Doctor told me solemnly. As the implication of his words hit me, I reeled with confusion. "You mean he's not dead? I thought - I thought." my words trailed off as I realised that Tom's corpse-like pallor was the result of blood- loss not death. I struggled to my feet and rushed to Tom's bed, grabbing one of Tom's frozen hands, my fingers searching for and then finding a pulse. It was weak and intermittent, but it was there. I sagged with relief. "Are you positive that it was a suicide attempt?" I pleaded desperately, "Couldn't it have been an accident or at least just a cry for help?" "Given the amount of self-mutilation before he slashed his wrist, I doubt that he was in a state of mind to make a deliberate `cry for help' Captain. That would take a degree of pre-meditation that I judge he was incapable of. Besides, he had no reason to suppose he would be found in time to be saved." "Who did find him?" I asked in confusion The Doctor looked momentarily sheepish "I - um - well I always had an auto-response life sign monitor on Tom when he was paralyzed and I simply forgot to remove it after he returned from V'rakn." He confessed "As soon as his condition became critical he was immediately transported here and I was brought on line to treat him." "Thank god you did" I breathed "He's so pale, he looks terrible. Are you sure that he will survive?" "To be honest, I'm not 100 percent sure yet, although his chances are good. He sliced an artery and lost so much blood that it was almost impossible to revive him. It complicated matters that he has a rare blood type and my reserves were already low, given his previous accident. Fortunately Harry Kim is the same blood group and I hooked him straight into the transfusion." "Where is Harry now?" I asked in concern. I was well aware of how close Tom and Harry were. Harry must have been shattered by Tom's suicide attempt. "I'm not sure, as soon as he saw that Tom was stable, he shot off without explanation. He was very distraught." "I can imagine. I hope he's alright. Damn, what a mess. I should never have let Tom go off alone." "I still don't understand what happened, Captain. I know that he was looking forwards to his wedding, but surely a mere delay would not have affected him so drastically? Could the news of our imminent return to the Alpha Quadrant have terrified him so badly? Surely he's still not afraid of going back to jail?" I realised that the Doctor had not been informed of the `other' implication of Angel's arrival. "No, I don't believe Tom's actions have anything to do with the prospect of us returning home. His problems are here on Voyager. I think the wedding has been cancelled, at least I'm sure that Tom believes it has." "Why?" "Because the ship that arrived to rescue us was piloted by an old flame of Chakotay, and it appears that the Commander is now having second thoughts about where his loyalties should lie." The Doctor looked at me in stunned comprehension "You mean he is leaving Tom for this person?" "I don't know. Possibly" I admitted If I had ever doubted the Doctor's capacity for true emotion, the fury on his holographic face now would have convinced me "I don't believe it. Tom and Chakotay have been through so much together. They love each other. How could Chakotay turn his back on Tom after everything that has happened? He knows how much Tom needs him. Surely this proves it more than anything. Why isn't he here? " Tuvok, who had entered silently to join our discussion, answered the Doctor's question. "I have had him and his "guest" beamed to his quarters. I have enforced a communications blackout on his room and have locked his door. He is probably unaware of Tom's actions and certainly is unable to act on them, even if he is." He said calmly, unperturbed by my immediate outrage at his words. "That is a drastic step to have taken, Mr. Tuvok. I don't believe that it is Starfleet procedure to put a senior officer under house arrest simply because he has the bad taste to stand someone up at the alter." I snapped furiously. "You have exceeded your authority with such an arbitrary decision." "I made my decision after being forced to restrain Mr. Kim from killing him." Tuvok replied coolly "Harry?" I said in disbelief, I couldn't imagine Harry attacking a senior officer even if his life depended on it. "It appears that Ensign Kim has taken Tom's suicide bid very personally. He attacked the Commander in the shuttle bay. My security officers had to physically restrain him." "I presume he is in the brig." "No, he's been escorted to his quarters." "What? He's attacked a senior officer. I don't care what reason he thought he had. Why haven't you arrested him?" "Because in my opinion Mr. Kim was not responsible for his actions. He was temporarily insane with grief. Furthermore, I suspect that there are a great many of the crew who would sympathise with his reaction." "I take it that you are included in that number!" I snapped, shocked but secretly comforted by the fact that my own deep anger at Chakotay's apparent betrayal of Tom was obviously shared by my estranged husband. I wondered whether he blamed me for the situation as much as I blamed myself. "I cannot condone such acts of violence on my ship, Tuvok" "Indeed. That is why I have locked Chakotay in his room. For his own protection. At least until this situation is resolved." After a long pause, while I thought about all the possible scenarios that might unfold as the rumor mill spread the news of Tom's act of desperation, I nodded reluctant approval of Tuvok's actions. "You're right. Besides, the last thing Tom needs right now is Chakotay running in here and making more promises that he might later break." "I agree, Captain. In my opinion, should Tom survive his suicide attempt, his only chance of recovering mentally would be if he does not see Chakotay again. From what I have witnessed, their volatile relationship has done nothing but harm to him. It is time someone stepped in and convinced him that enough is enough." Tuvok stated "I disagree" The Doctor stated firmly, "Chakotay should be forced to face up to the consequences of his actions. Besides, what harm will it do Tom to wake up and find out that Chakotay hasn't even come to see if he's alright?" "Less harm than if Tom uses Chakotay as an emotional prop to recover and then finds that support removed yet again. It would be far better for him to come to terms with the necessity to rebuild his own self- esteem. He needs to learn to value himself as more than just an extension of his relationship with Chakotay." Tuvok intoned gravely "But he loves Chakotay so much" I murmured, remembering the truth revealed to me by Tuvok's mindmeld. "If he loved poison, would you let him drink it?" Tuvok asked caustically "Poison? I think that your analogy is rather extreme" The Doctor huffed. "Tom's feelings for Chakotay border on the obsessive." Tuvok explained "It is evidently unhealthy for him to be so dependent on another person. Tom's feelings for Chakotay are as damaging as if he was addicted to a lethal narcotic. He has been trapped in a manic- depressive cycle for months. I admit that I encouraged him in his pursuit of the Commander because I believed their feelings were mutual. I was, however, obviously mistaken." "I tend to agree with you, Tuvok. However, as you know I have interfered too much in their relationship already." I admitted guiltily "I will not make the same mistake again. When Tom wakes up, and he will, he has to, we will ask him what HE wants to do. In the meantime, keep Chakotay out of the loop for as long as possible." Tuvok looked at me thoughtfully for a long time, as though reading my soul. He then raised his hand tentatively, searching my face for permission. At my nod of acquiescence he touched me lightly on the forehead and melded with me. I relaxed myself into his touch; all defenses down, letting him delve deeply into my innermost thoughts. As though a floodgate opened I felt a warm psychic blanket of affection and forgiveness wrap around me and I sank gratefully into his welcoming embrace and began to cry softly with relief that he had finally forgiven me.   ANGEL A couple of hours passed and still the rest of the crew ignored our presence. Nobody came to tell us what was going on. The comm. unit stayed off-line and the door remained locked. There was no attempt to even check that Chakotay was all right after the attack. Which meant they evidently blamed him for whatever Tom had done to himself. I knew that Chakotay was likely to wake up at any moment. When he realised he was locked in his quarters he would go crazy. He might even make the same educated guess as me as to the reason for his `imprisonment'. It was imperative that I distracted that line of thought. I needed to buy a little time. I would make the most of this opportunity to remind Chakotay why he loved me better than that pale weakling Tom Paris. Despite all of Chakotay's natural kindness and the gentleness of his spirit, sexually he was a different person, often violent and out of control. I imagined that Tom's frail body required an amount of self- restraint on Chakotay's part that must ultimately leave him unfulfilled. I needed to re-awaken that ravaging spirit in him, remind him that I could gladly and willingly take all the passion he had to give. My physical strength and the natural regenerative abilities of my body were weapons that Tom could not fight. Quite simply, Tom might fulfill Chakotay's protective needs even better than I might but he couldn't possibly compete with me for pure sexual gratification. So I carefully undressed Chakotay, reveling in the sight of his strong, muscular body and then I stripped and slipped into bed next to him, wrapping my legs and arms lovingly around his beautiful bronze frame. When he woke he might have a hell of a headache, but I knew him well enough to know that it wouldn't stop his automatic reaction to waking next to my naked, inviting body. As long as I could get him to fuck me before he realised what had happened to Tom, I would be more than halfway to winning him back. TBC