ANGEL By Morticia 43/? ST: Voyager C/P Rating. SLASH, m/m NC-17 Archive: Anywhere, just let me know, please Disclaimer: Tom, Chak et al are Paramount‘s (lucky devils) Angel is mine (yippee!) Part 43   CHAKOTAY I hurriedly disengaged Angel‘s arms, surprised by how uncomfortable I felt in his innocent embrace. The Doctor coughed discretely and I realised that Tom was waking up. I was grateful that Angel instantly slipped out of Sickbay to leave us alone. For a moment I was terrified that Tom had seen Angel hugging me, and I coloured in guilty embarrassment as I rushed to Tom‘s side. "Hi, babe" I whispered as he blinked in confusion. "I - I - how? Where?" he gasped incoherently "You‘re safe, babe. We‘re home. We‘re in the alpha quadrant. We‘re home. In four days Voyager will be at Deep Space 9. We‘ve already sent sub-space messages to Starfleet to announce our return, there will be a flotilla of ships soon, guiding us back like a lost sheep." I grinned "Home" Tom repeated sadly, "How?" "It was Seven, Tom. She took the shuttle, she sent us home." I saw him bite his lip pensively "I‘m sorry. It should have been me" He whispered "NO, Tom, Seven had lost B‘Elanna and she didn‘t want to go on. I understand that. I would have felt the same if I had lost you. I love you, Tom Paris." I swore, my voice infused with all the sincerity I could put into the words. A shadow flickered in his beautiful blue eyes "Do you?" He asked softly, "Do you really?" "I swear, Tom. I love you and I will never leave you." He closed his eyes as though in pain but then he spoke gently "I believe you."   TOM It‘s impossible to describe how you feel when you wake up on the day after you have decided, beyond doubt, that you will never have to face waking up again. The combination of disappointment and relief is unbearable. I was alive. Therefore I had failed to launch the shuttle. However, I was alive, so therefore Voyager had survived anyway. So Chakotay was alive. Which was always the important thing, after all. Of course, finding him wrapped around Angel was not exactly a surprise but it was a hell of a blow. That was the moment when I finally gave up all hope. Okay, I‘d been pretty depressed before, admittedly. I had wanted to die. But it had been a dramatic kind of "I will show you and the world how much I love you and then die so you‘ll feel guilty forever" wish. At some level, a part of me must have believed that it was all a mistake and that given enough time, shown enough grief, Chakotay would come back to me. As I woke in sickbay, hearing Angel‘s melodious voice saying "I can‘t wait to get home to Dorvan with you, Chakotay." I finally accepted that it was over. That was the moment when my hitherto ignored self-protective mechanisms finally snapped back into gear. That was the moment when I finally accepted that I actually, finally, hated Chakotay in equal measure to my love. I was finally ready to let him go. I just didn‘t have the energy for any more dramatic suicide attempts. I was too numb. He finally noticed I was awake and came over to me as Angel crept guiltily away, and yet again he lied, said that he loved me. We were back in the AQ, four days from DS9 where he would leave me, and still he played with me, still he fucked with my head. I swear, if I had had a phaser in my hands at that moment I would have killed us both. But then he touched me, and all I could think of was how good he felt, how wonderful it would be to be able to fool myself for just a little longer. So I played the game. I knew the rules now. "I believe you" I lied   CHAKOTAY   My heart turned an ecstatic summersault when he said, "I believe you". Suddenly I was sure that everything would be all right. Sure we had had our problems, but as long as Tom still loved me, still believed in me, we had the chance to put everything right. "How are you feeling, babe? Are you okay to get up?" I asked solicitously Tom moved gingerly, testing his body‘s reactions to the idea of moving. "I‘m fine, Chak, a little sore but fine." He admitted "Are you well enough to leave sickbay?" I asked "Yeah. Find me some clothes Chak. I just want to send a message home first, if that‘s okay." "Sure, Tom" I said in surprise, glad that he was obviously coming to terms with the fact that we were back in the Alpha Quadrant. I wondered whether Admiral Paris would intervene on Tom‘s behalf and prevent Tuvok‘s recommendations being acted upon. Perhaps Tom‘s father would help us both. "I really think that Tom should stay a while longer," The Doctor said pompously to me as we watched Tom stagger out of bed and limp slowly to the comm. system "I really think you should butt out, Doctor" I hissed back, satisfied by his look of shock Tom finally turned away from the console and began to stiffly pull on the clothes I had put on his bed. "Come on, Tom" I ordered softly, "Come home with me." Tom looked at me doubtfully for a long time before he suddenly shrugged and limped painfully until he stood unsteadily at my side. As he swayed, I was assailed by doubts, perhaps the Doctor was right. Tom didn‘t look capable of walking to the end of the room, let alone our quarters. "Can you walk, Tom?" I asked in concern He considered my question for a long time before shaking his head sadly. "I don‘t think so" he whispered and started to sink back down onto the bed. I had been dreaming of taking him home again for four weeks. There was no way that I would walk out of sickbay now, leaving him alone again. I swiftly moved forward and swept him up into my arms, my heart jumping a little as memories assailed me of how many times I had held Tom‘s vulnerable body in this way. Ignoring the Doctor‘s protests I strode swiftly out of sickbay with my precious burden. Tom wrapped his arms around me tightly and nuzzled my neck and thus we arrived back at our quarters. I had done my best to repair the damage that Tom had inflicted on the day Angel arrived. His picture was back on the wall in a new frame; his vids were back on a mended shelf. Our quarters looked again as they had the day of our intended wedding. Without hesitation I carried Tom through into the bedroom and deposited him gently onto the bed. As I began to remove his clothes he murmured in soft argument, so I silenced his protest with a deep kiss. For a moment he resisted and then with an audible sigh, he arched against me and opened his lips to mine.  I felt his sweet tongue invade my mouth and my cock leapt to attention so quickly that I could feel the seams of my uniform pants straining with the sudden pressure. "Oh, Babe, Babe, I‘ve missed you so" I gasped as I lay down on top of him, rubbing my body against his, feeling the delicious friction as our mutual erections battled against the fabric of our pants. As his shirt fell open under my eager fingers, his pale muscular chest was revealed; his nipples like red scars against his white perfection. One by one I suckled on them, nipping and sucking until they were taut and proud. Other than his occasional moans of desire, Tom was strangely silent, tears sliding through his tightly closed eyelids. "Are you okay, babe? Do you want me to stop?" I asked desperately, dreading his answer "No, No Chak, please, please don‘t stop. I want this. I want you!" He gasped although there was no joy in his voice at the admission. Deciding that I was lucky he would even give me the chance to try to make things up to him and that it was unsurprising that he was unprepared to commit himself further at this stage, I began to fumble with his trousers to release his hot eager cock. I slid down to lick the weeping head and his whole body jerked in response. "Oho" he moaned and I tasted his excitement as his pre-cum escaped onto my tongue. I lapped at him, teasing into the slit, my hands kneading at his firm buttocks and pulling his hips up so that his angle was better and then I swallowed him. As I siphoned his cock, I reached down and undid my own trousers, letting my erection burst free in hungry anticipation. I slipped my right index finger into my mouth, feeling his cock jump as I unwittingly teased it in my attempt to lubricate my finger and then I gently began to tease at his opening. "May I fuck you, Tom?" I asked, although I don‘t think I could have stopped then if I had wanted to. Tom didn‘t answer; he merely flipped over onto his hands and knees and wiggled his butt at me enticingly. It was permission enough. I leant forwards and slowly licked between his butt cheeks. He gasped at the sensation and I had to grab his hips with bruising firmness to hold him as I delved between his cheeks, thrusting my tongue into his sweet ass. Tom‘s hands gave way and his head crashed down into the pillow as usual, leaving his unprotected butt vulnerable to my questing tongue. Within moments he was shuddering and panting desperately under my wet caresses. Then I raised my head, shuffled forward until my cock was level with his glistening anus and I slowly slid into his velveteen depths. I could feel his muscles relaxing, adapting to my entrance, and accommodating my presence. As my balls finally slapped his, I knew that I had finally come home. "Oh Tom, oh babe, I love you so much" I cried as I began to slide slowly up and down his hot passage. His only reply was a whimper before he forcibly thrust his hips backward to impale himself on me. I tried desperately to keep the rhythm slow and steady but he fought me all the way, taking control, dominating our coupling by thrusting back and forth greedily. I gave up all pretence of control and let him set the pace, letting him ‘top from the bottom‘. He had never once, in our whole relationship, taken such an aggressive position. But now his hungry ass raped me, taking everything I had to give and then more. It was frightening and sometimes painful but above all was one of the most erotic situations I had ever been in. When I came, it was as though I erupted from the inside and I exploded into his ass. Still his muscles clenched me feverishly draining every last drop. I collapsed in exhaustion onto his back and my weight flattened him under me. With my last conscious thought, I rolled onto my side and brought him into my arms, pulling him tightly to me. For a moment I was aware of something being wrong, something out of place, but then exhaustion overwhelmed me and I sank into oblivion.   TOM For a moment I resisted Chakotay‘s attempt to seduce me, and then I accepted that if I had no intention of going through with it I shouldn‘t have let him carry me from Sickbay. By the time his soft lips had ravaged my nipples, there was no point in pretending that I wasn‘t aroused. My whole body was screaming for his touch. Sure, I knew that it was just my last pathetic chance to have his body touch mine. I knew I should have more pride. I knew he was only using me. But still, I arched under his expert ministrations and decided that if this was going to be my last memory of Chakotay, it could at least be a good one. But as he finally penetrated me, and I gasped with anticipation of my blessed release in his arms, all I could think of was the fact that he was planning on leaving me. I desperately tried to distract my thoughts, thrusting back at him, trying to loose myself in the pure animalistic bliss. But I couldn‘t escape the feelings of hurt, of worthlessness. Finally, in this last desperate act, I sullied our relationship. I ruined the only connection that Chakotay and I had managed to keep pure. As he collapsed, spent and exhausted, I sagged in despair in his embrace, aware for the first time in my life of the agonising ball- aching pain of an unsatisfied erection. I, who had once come at the mere whisper of his fingers on my body, had lost even the ability to find sexual release in Chakotay‘s arms. In the end, my body had betrayed me too.   CHAKOTAY I slept soundly, for the first time in weeks. Tom was back. Everything would be fine. I knew that there were still issues to be resolved. That I still had to spirit him off Voyager before that Vulcan bastard handed him over to Starfleet medical, unless Tom‘s father came through for us. I knew that there would be problems on Dorvan, even though Angel would smooth our path by publicly accepting my decision. I was also aware that our future relationship wouldn‘t be smooth sailing. It would take Tom a long time to truly believe in me again. I had betrayed him so many times that I couldn‘t fault him for his doubts. But his ever-forgiving spirit blessed me. I knew that I didn‘t deserve another chance, but as long as he could still find it in him to forgive me, we had a real chance of making this work. "I love you Tom" I mumbled into his soft shoulder, nuzzling into his spongy depths. That‘s when I opened my eyes and discovered that "Tom" was actually a pillow. I didn‘t panic straight away; I slowly got up and walked to the bathroom door.  I admit that my heart was in my throat as I pushed the door open, for a minute I could actually picture him lying there on the floor in a pool of blood. The bathroom was empty. Feeling both relieved and scared I rushed to the living area, only to find it also deserted. Frantically I ran my head over our encounter. Our sex had been hot and passionate. Tom had been as eager as I had, perhaps more so. I knew I hadn‘t hurt him, at least not any more than normal. But there had been something, something that had seemed wrong. And then it came to me. The thing I had so absently noticed as I fell asleep. Tom hadn‘t come. Oh Spirits, I‘d been so selfish. I‘d fallen asleep not even realising he was unsatisfied. No wonder he had gone off in a temper. I had to go and find him and apologise, make things right. "Computer, location of Lieutenant Paris" "Lieutenant Paris is not on board." "What?" I screamed in panicked disbelief "Lieutenant Paris is not on board" the computer repeated stupidly "Chakotay to Captain Janeway" I snapped After a few minutes, Kathryn‘s sleepy and decidedly annoyed voice replied "What is it Commander?" "The computer says Tom is not on board" "That‘s correct" She replied calmly "Where the fuck is he?" I yelled For a second there was silence, as though she was mentally debating whether to call me on my profanity and then with a sigh she quietly admitted "Admiral Paris sent a private yacht at Tom‘s request. She arrived two hours ago and Tom left Voyager to return directly to Earth." TBC